In an interview that was conducted while work was still underway on Scratchman, Tom Baker tackled a random selection of questions from Doctor Who Magazine’s TARDIS tin…

Interview by EMILY COOK

In the corner of a quintessentially English pub garden sits a Time Lord. The sun is shining, the birds are singing… and so is Tom Baker. “Heigh o. Heigh ho,” he hums merrily to himself as we join him at his table.

Doctor Who Magazine’s TARDIS tin has – at long last – materialised in the hands of the Fourth Doctor. It would seem Tom’s even come dressed for the occasion; his cerulean shirt and piercing blue eyes perfectly match the colour of our replica police box.

Tom examines the tin before carefully removing its lid and peering at the contents. He rummages around for a few moments before pulling out a £5 note. That wasn’t in there earlier… Tom bursts into deep, booming laughter. “Oh, let’s have another go!” This time – as if by magic – a whole handful of fivers. “Here, have some,” he offers. After donating £5 to DWM, Tom dips into the tin for a third time. We eagerly anticipate what might come out next…It’s only questions now. But Tom’s answers are priceless.

What’s the best party you’ve ever been to?

Oh, it was absolutely unbelievable. What was it? You won’t believe it. Try me. I can’t even believe it myself. When I recall my behaviour at this particular party, it would damage my career irrecusably if I tell you what happened. Just give us a little clue… It was a meeting of nudists.  How did you end up there? Well, I don’t know. I think we must’ve been drinking because it was actually in the middle of Oxford Circus. When was this? It was 1979. Just as people can’t believe my performances… apparently the sight of me in the nude, they couldn’t believe that either.

What’s the most expensive luxury item you’ve ever bought?

I recently bought myself a mackintosh. An Apple Mac? No, a raincoat. [Tom laughs.] And it’s waterproof, unlike my Macintosh computer. It’s dark green with some red flashes on it. I like the colour. How much was it? It wasn’t all that expensive. It was £629, I think. That’s quite a lot for a coat, isn’t it? Well, not for a good raincoat. That’s about the most expensive item I own because, as you can see, I haven’t spent a great amount of money on clothes. I’ve always attracted girls who like shabby men.

Did your first date live up to your expectations?

Darling, I really, truly can’t recall my first date. I had a tendency to be very vulnerable and propose marriage, you know. If you went too fast with a girl – like in the first five minutes – that was only asking for trouble, wasn’t it? Do you feel you went too fast? Well, I did. I went too quickly with one girl. I think within three minutes I’d proposed to her. Three minutes?! Yes. I’d been drinking, probably gin. Did she say yes? She did. But you didn’t get married? No, no. I pulled myself together and looked at her closely. She was about 69 and had had a very hard life. I was about 41. So did you withdraw your proposal? Well, I fled. And because she was so old and riddled and raddled, she couldn’t follow me. What was her name? I think it was Maureen. Yes. God bless Maureen. I went to her funeral actually. I wasn’t invited. But I go often to funerals of people I don’t know. I’m very drawn to funerals. Why? I don’t know. There’s something morbid about them. And when I go to a funeral, it gives me a kind of frisson because I feel I’ve got the edge over the person who’s the centre of attention – because I’m still alive and they’re in a box. I know it’s rather sad, but there you are.

If you could travel back in time and offer your younger self some advice, what would it be?

I’d say whatever you do don’t grow old. The awful thing about being old is I’m constantly signing photographs of me from 30 or 40 years ago. The fans buy and sell lots of pictures of me from the past, and they’re dashing romantic pictures. What I usually do is put my hand over my face and just sign the bottom. As an actor, do you not feel that part of you – the youthful you – is preserved in the character of your Doctor? Yes, I think that is a consolation, but at the same time it is difficult. People have sent me or given me box sets of the old Doctor Who stuff. I never play the whole box set, but occasionally I watch clips and I see myself running. Oh, running… So would you tell your younger self to make the most of being young? No, you can’t do that. It’s an impossible thing to do because when you’re young, you can’t possibly imagine being old. I mean, from what I can recall, the ecstasy of being young must be so wonderful. The way I had such energy… I could make people laugh, I could dance. It was so wonderful. But I’m old now.

Are you an early bird or a night owl?

I’m an early bird. A very early bird. I love going to bed early. How early? Oh, about six o’clock at night. How do you manage to get to sleep that early in the summer months, when it’s still light outside? I pull blankets over my head. Make sure you leave a little air hole! I do. And of course I’ve got my mobile phone so I can call my wife. I love getting up very early in the morning, too. What time? 5.00am? Well I wouldn’t necessarily get out of bed then but I’m awake at that time. I read a lot. But I forget a lot of what I’ve read, which is a tragedy. And there’s nothing I can do about that. But while I’m reading I’m excited, then I put the book down and think, “Just a minute, I’ll read that again.” But apparently this is very common. I’ve read so many books and I can’t remember most of them.

Similarly, I remember meeting a little old lady outside the London Palladium in Argyll Street. I was walking along, going to do a voice-over, and this little voice said, “Hello Tommy.” I thought, “Tommy? Nobody’s called me Tommy for 50 years.” So I turned round and there’s this little old lady there with quite long hair and several bags. I said “Hello.” And she said, “Tommy don’t you remember me?” This often happens to actors, people say strange things. I said, “Of course I remember you. We were in a play together. You were Kate Hardcastle.” She said, “No I wasn’t.” I said, “No, sorry. Mrs Elvsted in Hedda Gabler?” She said, “No, I wasn’t.” I said, “Really? Well, what about…” and I went through nine of these blasted productions, finding this very tedious. Eventually I said, “I’m so sorry, I don’t remember you. We were in a play together, were we?” She said, “No, we used to be married.”

Have you ever woken up not knowing where you are?

Yes, I have. Where were you? In my own bed, but I didn’t know how I got there. The day before I’d been in Wales and I couldn’t understand how I was awake in London – I couldn’t recall a journey. Did you ever find out? No, I never did.

What do you see: a glass half full or a glass half empty?

These are foxy questions! Both really. We aren’t supposed to be taken too seriously, are we? When I think about my happy days in Soho… you know, when I was clattering about there all those years ago… gosh, that was fun. Being in Doctor Who opened up so many doors. I was friendly with journalists who used to go to drinking clubs in the afternoon where there was raucous talk. Who were your favourite drinking companions in those days? The ones I remember mostly are the quite famous ones like Jeffrey Bernard, Francis Bacon, Daniel Farson… people like that. It was in the days when there was a very serious afternoon drinking culture in clubs – sleazy clubs. They had to be sleazy. We’d all huddle together smoking cigarettes. Sometimes I think Jeffrey Bernard smoked two at a time. He had a terrible cough. Anyway, that was a period when I was clattering about… But a happy period? Well yes, I think so. It was happy, but sometimes I used to feel that I was wasting time being there. I would often say to Jeffrey, “We had a wonderful time yesterday. What did we do?” And I began to think, “This is really not a good idea actually, having such a wonderful time and then not being able to recall it.” And so did I have a wonderful time? Was I happy? They say, “Well yes, you were happy, but when you stripped off and then climbed over the roof –” I said, “Did I do that?” And did you? Well, that’s what they said. But you had no recollection? No. So what was the point? I had to really pull back.

Who is your guru?

My wife. She’s my counsellor. She’s so sensible. And she makes me happy. She’s at home waiting for me now. When I got married for the third time, 32 years ago, that changed my whole life. When you’ve already been married once or twice, marriage is a pretty nerve-racking decision. You know, I used to get over-excited. I used to find life difficult without a gin and tonic. But because of the love of a good woman, I now find it quite easy to live without a gin and tonic. When I married Sue, I was definitely starting to pull myself together. Trying to be calmer, fitter, more considerate and less – a little bit less – self-centred. Only a little bit less? Yes. [Tom laughs.] I wouldn’t want to go the whole hog.

Have you ever asked anyone for an autograph?

No, I haven’t actually. It would make me very embarrassed to ask someone for an autograph; I would never want to bother them. I think I may have asked writers in a bookshop to sign a book, but that’s a different thing altogether because you’ve bought the book, so they don’t mind. However, when people ask me for my autograph, I always oblige – I’m never bad-tempered with them. I like being the centre of attention, you see. I’ve always had a desire to amuse people and to make them laugh, even as a child.

What was your last dream about?

Let’s see, you’ll like this lie… Actually, I’m not into happy dreams really. Sometimes I have anxious dreams about being lost. In my dreams, I have this confusion about being lost and not being certain of who I am. It’s horrid. Not being certain of who you are is probably a very common dilemma for actors. I think a lot of actors might have similar dreams.

What object would you save first if your house was on fire?

I’d rescue my wife, and the cats and the dog. And then get outside and make the best of it. What a terrible thought – my beautiful old house! How awful. Let’s move on to a happier subject…

[Tom reaches into the tin.]

No, I can’t answer that! I’d better put that one back. Which question was it?

[Tom chortles but says nothing. He picks out another.]

Are you finding the girl who’s doing this interview very attractive?

Yes, I am. And I don’t think you’d thank for me going on about that. Are you just making up questions now, Tom? Yes, I am. But yes, I’m finding her terrifically attractive. In fact, hold on a moment… [Tom takes his pulse.] I used to be a Doctor, you know. It’s 184. That’s my pulse.

If you weren’t doing your current job, what would you be doing?

I suppose I’d be begging in the streets. When you’re an actor, you can’t really imagine doing anything else. I mean, I’m acting all the time. I never stop acting. I can’t tell the difference. I want to please people. And entertain them. And help them. If we were out together, you and I, I’d help you across the street and things like that. Protect you. You don’t look as if you believe me…

Well, personal protection from the Doctor – it’s quite an offer. Do you really mean it?

Yes, of course I do.

If you had three wishes, what would they be?

This invites me to be sentimental and selfish. My wish would be to be free of aches and pains. Have you noticed that old people are often pulling faces? The reason they’re pulling faces is that every now and then they get spasms of agony. And so when you’re talking to some little old lady and she suddenly goes “argh” [Tom pulls a pained expression], I think, “Is that the effect I’m having on her? Or is it her arthritis?” And frequently it’s the effect I’m having on her. But sometimes it’s her arthritis. And I’m like that now. When I get up, if I’ve been sitting still for a long time, sometimes I find myself making noises, wincing, you know. So… what was that question? You have two more wishes. Oh, yes. Free of aches and pains. Actually, if I was free of aches and pains I don’t think I’d need any more. Because I’m very happy at home and I wouldn’t want to be greedy. I’d hate to be greedy. But sometimes I’m inclined to be greedy, you know? When something is going well, like this interview, I want it never to stop.

Sadly there’s only time for one more question…

How would you like to be remembered? That’s difficult. I don’t know. I hope that I’ll be remembered affectionately, as someone who did his best to laugh, and to make other people laugh. But it won’t atter because I won’t be there, will I? How terrible. I won’t be there…